Friday, June 30, 2006

Follicular Follies

I love a bald man. And I mean that specifically (as in my gorgeous husband has a shaved head) and generally (as in bald men turn me on). My very first crush? Mr Clean. I was too young to know he was a cartoon character (and therefore tragically unattainable), but not too young to know he was hot, hot, hot. Since then I've had passing fancies and lifelong passions for any number of smooth-pated men, from actor Patrick Stewart to American Idol finalist Chris Daughtry.

What's more, I know I'm not alone. There are legions of women (and men) out there who swoon over Vin Diesel, Michael Jordan, Taye Diggs, Ed Harris...even Montel Williams. And, honestly, who didn't cheer when Andre Agassi finally shaved his head? Zowie! His look went from played to Player overnight.

So what's my point? My point is this: It's time for men who are clinging to the comb-over, the bad toupee (is there any other kind?), the Krusty the Clown side tufts, the Ben Franklin pony tail, to let go and go bald.

I hereby declare July 7th (Yul Brynner's birthday) to be National Go Bald Day.

Let July 7th be the day that men everywhere fire up the Wahl clippers and free themselves from the misperception that a little hair is better than none. Let it be the day that they stride into the office, the gym or their favorite bar, bald and proud.

Think about it, men. If the nation embraces Go Bald Day, yours won't be the only newly shorn head shining gloriously in the sun of the morning commute. And so what if it is. Think of the freedom! Think of the joy of being able to roll down the windows without mussing your carefully gelled comb-over! Think of the cool breezes that could never before penetrate your weave! Think of women (or men, if that's your preference) stroking your head, and you not ducking away out of fear they'll discover your "secret." Think of taking a hot, steamy shower...with someone.

Sure your co-workers will rib you (particularly the male co-workers who haven't worked up the guts to do it themselves), but it's Friday. After eight hours, you'll leave them behind, and by Monday your new look will be old hat....except to the women in the office, who--trust me on this-- will think you look a zillion times better.

Will shaving your head make you the fantasy object of all women? Of course not. But it will earn you points with women who dig bald men (unquestionably a much larger segment of the female population than those who dig men in toupees). And the fact that you've embraced your baldness, rather than desperately denying it, will make you seem all the more confident, dashing and daring.

The best part? Unlike Mr. Clean, you'll be 100% real, from bottom to gloriously gleaming top. And that, my friend, is sexy as hell.


At 11:19 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Troublebunny,
I'm all a twitter (atwitter?) with anticipation of the big day tomorrow.

I would like to offer my personal services to assist with the 'go bald' process. I have scissors, razor and duct tape at hand and will jump in where ever necessary.

You start from the West coast - I'll start from the East and we can meet up somewhere near Iowa!

At 12:18 PM, Blogger troublebunny said...

Today is the day! Can you feel the excitement? If you listen closely, you can hear the whir of clippers, coast to coast (and possibly the muffled screams of M's victims)...

Thanks for the comment!


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